Cultural View and Helpful Tips For Western and Oriental Members Understanding the culture of your partner We have to respect the culture of oriental partners who may feel uneasy or embarrassed by outward expressions of affection. We have to remember that in most oriental lands such as Japan and China it is has always been frowned upon to display outward signs of affection. Even at home in a family environment it is common that no outward expressions are made in front of children, this is typical in Chinese culture. All outward expressions are kept for behind closed doors even from the eyes of children, extreme as it may appear to a western partner, it would be wise to ask what the custom is when meeting oriental relatives, going up to kiss your potential in-laws and giving them, a big hug, may be the norm here in the UK, but in China or Japan and some other lands it would be best to keep it formal to avoid embarrassment. Even holding hands in public is viewed as not acceptable in some areas, although due to western influence it appears that it is more common to see this now. Whatever the case is now, it would still be wise to check out what the local view is before you visit a location. If you partner has been brought up in this traditional view, one should not take offence if they appear to come across as cold or unresponsive or unaffectionate in public, and realise this is simply cultural background and upbringing. Problem may not be problems at all but simply misunderstanding or a lack of understanding. It is common that everyone will have disagreements with their partner from time to time, but often things can get out of hand simply due to misunderstanding, of the person close to them or the culture of the person whose life they share. Below are some examples of where an innocent comment can be backfire and cause misunderstanding and uneasy feelings if you do not understand the culture. Spending time on a boat? If you were in China and talking to members of the family of a Chinese lady you were keen to marry, you just happen to mention you have boat and like to spend time on it as much as you can. The atmosphere may go very quite and everyone may look at you as if with a feeling of sheer disapproval and concern. You are of course trying to impress everyone you got a nice boat, ok maybe just a small one, but you like to enjoy some time on the river. So you wonder why everyone is looking at you in concern and the future mother-in-law is starting to whisper to her daughter and giving you some strange looks. So what’s the problem. Well, you have to realise that Chinese people do not have much contact with boats as most live on the land, the only relationship with boats they have is their knowledge of fishing and trade. Such a life on a vessel is extremely hard and the people on these boats are in for a hard life, most are very poor. So your innocent comment over owning a boat might be taken that you are going to give the woman you plan to marry a very hard life, hence the concern and frowned eyebrows! What you may say with view to impress, may in fact make you look like a local undesirable peasant, and even poor, making people wonder if you will be able to care for the woman intended! Can you see that even an innocent comment if you are not aware of the culture could backfire and make you look rather unfavourable? Hair dressing Here is another example. If a Chinese woman although possibly genuine were to come to the UK or USA, lets say she was a hair dresser, no one would question her, but . .if you were to introduce your new lady in your life as Chinese to other Chinese people, then to mention she was a hair dresser, you maybe in for some severe prejudice. In China, in the city of Shenzhen for example some 600 hair dressing saloons were closed down in one month on one occasion. The reason? The hairdressing saloons are used as a front for sex shops, brothels and prostitution. Most of the girls get a diploma after a brief bit of training to justify working there if they are questioned by the police when they raid the shops, but the condition of most saloons is that that girls must agree to work set times to carry out customer services, sexual favours, or they just do not get the jobs, in fact this is true of many jobs ranging from office to banks. If you cant give the service you don’t get the job. In this case introducing your partner to other Chinese friends, one would be careful not to blacken your own name or reputation unwittingly even if it was genuine. Karaoke sing is another past time associated with sex shops. Any woman who Says she is a hair dresser or in the beauty business might raise some concern as to why knowing the reputation associated with the trade, as to why would any genuine woman choose go into such business knowing the reputation it could give her, not to mention the prejudice from traditional Chinese people toward her. Class distinction The Chinese culture is such there is a lot of class distinction from the past, even the place where you come from can label you as undesirable. Basically there was 4 levels of classes distinction . • First there are the teachers, lawyers and the intellectuals and such like. • Then there are the merchants, shop owners etc • Next there is the general labours and factory workers, semi skilled workers. • Finally there is the unskilled labour and those called peasants. Even though such prejudice is slowly dying the older generation still have a grip on this thinking and is difficult to break. Mention you come from Shanghai or some other big city for example and people tend to think you well educated, due to the universities, mention you come from ShenZhen, a city full of corruption and dealings, sex business etc, you are immediately labelled as undesirable. The same reaction may arise from those who say they come from rural areas where education was limited especially during the cultural revolution period. Most Chinese people prefer not to mention they have a family history from a rural area and may get embarrassed by their past if you question them. As more and more people are getting educated and starting business the old prejudices are slowly being pushed aside and people are being accepted as to what they are and now accomplishing. Film stars are highly rated but comedians, clowns and comics are looked down upon. Oriental and western dress Whereas the woman in western countries wear colourful dress at middle age and older, the opposite was true in China, only young woman wore such bright colours and black was the custom dress for middle age and older woman in China. The same is true with regard to hair, young woman wore long hair and as a single girl wearing pigtails was a sigh that you were single, once married, a woman would wear her hair up such as in a bun or even short. In past history a married woman with a child would have her hair up, but have a single tail down on one side. This cultural style is now fading due to China becoming more and more westernised but most traditional Chinese females still hold to this thinking due to family views. Young woman wear colour, older woman wear black or dark dress. Young woman wear long hair older woman in most cases have shorter hair. Family back Home One has to realise the cultural view of family, and marrying a person also means marrying into the family. This being the case we have to remember that those who marry such oriental woman particularly western men may find themselves indebted to the family financially. It is common for many oriental woman to want to send goods and money back home to family members to help support them. In some cases it has got out of hand and has been known to almost break the marriage due to the demands of the female using everything the partners has to send back home. In such a situation western men should clarify and make clear what their responsibility will be and what demands will be expected from them in the way of family commitments. What we take for granted in the west may not be what is accepted as the norm in the east. Before entering into any situation and agreement it is good to make clear what is expected of you, if you are a male, and what she as a female will expect of a man. Visiting oriental members abroad, some western men have been confronted with what they have been told as traditional, to hand a large gift of money to the females family, this of course is just not true and western men should be aware of any such proposal and question the genuine request of any female who tried to enforce this, This is not to say you cannot give a gift but traditional Chinese culture would not ask of a visiting male from abroad this request and would be embarrassed to so. Genuine family members would appreciate your kind gift and it would be hospitable to offer something or take a gift, but beware of “Gold Diggers” as there are plenty of them! Food. Whereas in the west we may be very wasteful, in oriental lands they will offer the best food and EXPECT you to eat it. They may also share the dish. If you take food and then leave some on the side of the plate or dish, they may feel you are greedy, so to be on the safe side take less and eat everything, or don’t take it. If you take food and then not eat it, it may be taken as rather insulting and think you are a very wasteful person, they also may assume you treat money the same wasteful way. Superstitions Writing someone’s title or a letter never use a red colour pen, This is associated with death or warning. Colour is important to oriental people so if you buy clothing check the superstitious view with the culture as some people may very superstitious and will get very offended. Chinese have a special calendar of what to do on certain days of the year. If you are not aware of this you can easily be the object of reproach for offending others, so it maybe a good idea to ask so as to avoid embarrassing yourself. Gambling It is common that many oriental people gamble and love the past time of Mah-jong and be very time consuming. It is also true that many successful business people in the east loose much of their hard earned income due to gambling habit. It would be good to ask what view of such things are from the person you may be intended to marry. Debts and Credit cards - tips to keep in mind One thing is vital for both parties, is to insist on a credit check of the partner you may intend to make commitment to. If you marry someone and they have large debts you could be found to inherit the debt once legally bound. Any such things such as property rights, debts and such like, it would be well advised to seek a little legal help from a solicitor or lawyer and get it in writing to cover yourself as to where you stand. Due to fraud deception even from the sweetest of people in this day and age, caution is the best protection, if in any doubt get legal advice and by all means get it in writing. Are they divorced? have you seen the “Degree Absolute certificate”. The Chinese embassy will also insist you get a letter from a solicitor you even have a certificate of divorce, you will have to swear you are FREE to proceed in a relationship and have a sworn statement signed by a solicitor before you can ask for a lady to leave China to marry abroad. For those wanted to get a credit check in the UK you can do this from the following website www.uk.experian.com/. By ordering a copy of your credit report for £2.00 you receive all the information a lender could see using Experian as a credit reference agency. This includes public information and private financial details. Your application will be made under Section 7 of the Data Protection Act 1998. Experian only provide you with a copy of your own credit report, so if you have any doubts about a partners debt, if they are genuine they will provide you with this, if they refuse, think twice before entering any commitment with them. Be Warned! Joined ownership in 6 months The law in the UK is that after 6 months of marriage everything a person has is 50% of the partner, so stories of Asian and Russian woman particularly have been known to marry wealthy men then after 6 months try for a divorce with an attempt to take half of everything he has, including all his business assets. Again caution should be foremost if a woman feels or come across as overly enthusiastic to marry yet shows little interest in anything the man does. It has been known that some woman have been rejected form having visas by the embassy, as although claiming they are in love and plan to marry at the first opportune time, they knew almost nothing about the man and showed little interest in anything he did. The embassy are well aware of this so if a woman is not genuine, they will know pretty quick, they see right thought it. Is it custom to call man husband after verbal commitment before marriage? It has been reported that some woman start to call their potential partner husband before they are married and will tell you this is a custom after just a few correspondents. You will then have the family insisting that as she is now your wife (or wife to be) you are responsible and should be supporting her, sending money to her and paying for almost everything she needs, even her rented accommodation abroad! They may do this to impress you of their total commitment to you, but in fact you are the meal ticket for the next year or two. It is common that some woman are good at this and doing the same thing to a number of men at the same time, with a first come first serve idea, first man who can get them a visa they will be off! In the mean time they are living off a number of men at the same time some as many as 20 or 30 and make a business out of this. This scam was witnessed and seen in China where teams of girls were working for a woman who ran this racket. Translation of letters Another scam agencies of some Asian countries try to pull off is your correspondents translation. This works as these agencies give you a fee to pay each time you write and charging your partner a fee also, In some cases the agency just make a brief translation and not give the correct information needed. They may change the age of the person to get you to reply, change details, withhold contact details so you cannot write direct and so forth. This keeps you tied to a system of having to pay and use them over and over again. If you get the address of the person and want to write to them the best way is simply to put all your information on a cassette tape. You get 45 minutes both side of a small tape, total 90 minutes and send it, if your contact cannot speak English. Speak slowly and then ask a friend to translate the information to them when they get it. You can get a lot of information on a small tape and is cheap to post due to the light weight even if abroad. More information to be added . . .